Monday, December 31, 2012

The 10 Worst Films of 2012

I like to keep things as positive as possible on this blog, so forgive me this parting shot at the close of the year at the films that I thought were horrid.  There were many that I'm sure were worse than those on my list, but thankfully I did not see them.

10.  Premium Rush

-A waste of a decent plot and a good leading man.  It has an ending that makes the skateboard showdown in Gleaming the Cube look like the Battle of Agincourt.

9.  Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

-This is another movie that had so much potential, but it felt like a muddled waste.  It had maybe one or two cool sequences, but nothing more.

8.  Silver Linings Playbook

-This movie has been heaped with critical acclaim, but I cannot see it, except for the final 20 minutes.  The characters are selfish and annoying.  Spending time with them was mostly a pain.  This would be lower if not for the terrific performance of Jennifer Lawrence.

7.  Taken 2

-Liam Neeson rocks.  Every time he kills a bad guy I cheered.  But he deserved such a better movie than this.  Shakey-cam must die.  And I don't need a half an hour of this dialogue:
Kim: Dad!
Brian: Drive!

6. Big Miracle

-There were times I started to like this movie.  But the hippie environmentalist nut main character was just too obnoxious for me.  The fact that she didn't really care that human lives would be at risk to save 3 whales made me understand how morally bankrupt the movie was.

5.  What to Expect When You're Expecting

-I think that pregnancy movies are supposed be a kind of horror movie genre now, where they focus on all of the pain and suffering and very little time on character development or happy endings.  This Love Actually wannabe is as empty as it is inconsistent.  You don't mix in silly go-cart chases with the heartbreak of miscarriage.  What were they thinking?

4.  The Watch

-The only reason that I laughed at all during this movie was Vince Vaughn who could make even the flattest script pop a little.  Very little.  It was needlessly violent and gross, which would be fine if it had any real wit behind it.  Shock of for shock's sake will only get you so far.  And I'm also calling it on Jonah Hill's career as a leading man.  I know 21 Jump Street was a hit, but I'm completely over him comedically.  And Stiller is on thin ice as well.

3.  The Vow

-I wanted to like this movie.  I really did.  I think Rachel McAdams is a fine actress and the plot was interesting.  But the dialogue was awful and the characters so completely flat that I had to imagine the script was written by a freshman in high school.  For me, the line was crossed when McAdams rolled up the car window so she could smell Channing Tatum's farts.  That was a good metaphor for watching this film.

2.  Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

-Again, another movie I wanted to like.  And it had some good moments.  But it was a circling pit of despair with no real laughs in a movie billed as a comedy.  Even without the whole bait-and-switch problem, it is a movie that will leave you feeling worse than when you walked in.  Not a good way to spend an evening.

1.  Cloud Atlas

-This is not just the worst movie of the year.  This is the worst movie I have seen in several years.  It isn't just bad, it is epically bad.   I am baffled how this script ever got approved.  I don't know why anyone would have paid money to make this piece of pretentious garbage.  And because it crosses over 6 generations, you feel like you've wasted 6 lifetimes.  The movie is meant to feel deep, to give the illusion that it reveals some of the great truths about life.  But in reality all it does is bluster about meaningless fortune-cookie platitudes.  Everyone involved with this project should be ashamed, not morally but artistically.

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