Two Birthdays

A year ago my mother died.

I remember getting the call as if it were yesterday.  We had just come back from the hospital a few hours earlier.  We awoke to the sound of the phone and the news on the other end.

I cannot believe that it has been a year.  When my mother went into the hospital in late August, life seemed to slow to a crawl.  Days were taken up with work and nights with visits to the hospital, sometimes until the next morning. 

But after she passed, it's like life hit the fast-forward button and now here I am a year later.

I knew this day was coming, but I was not prepared for how I was going to feel.  I knew I would be sad, but that isn't what surprised me.

While my mom was in the hospital, I was consumed with an overwhelming sense of anger.  To understand, I am not an angry person.  My ire tends to be focused towards silly little annoyances, like not being able to plug in something to the USB port because its upside-down.  But while she was sick, I seethed.  I burned.  I raged.  I hope I did not take it out on anyone.  But inside I felt the desire to punch someone, anyone, to release what I was feeling.

After my mom passed, that anger was replaced with an overwhelming sense of sadness and loss.  My mother's last few weeks were sad and painful and there was very little I could do to relieve her of that burden. 

But when the one year anniversary came around, I found myself once again filled with a blistering violence in my heart.  It took me longer than it should have to put two and two together and figure out why I felt as I did.  But once I remembered the last time I felt that feeling, God's tranquil peace began to fill me.

Throughout it all, my wife has been the most amazing comfort.  After we received the phone call, we wept and prayed together.  And at some point, I turned to her and said, "I'm so sorry that this happened on your birthday."

From this point going forward, one of my favorite days will be combined with one of my saddest days.  And of course my wife has been the model of charitable humility.  As we approached this day, all of her focus has been on my mom and not on herself. 

We think about my mom often.  And when we do, she lets her tears flow freely.  I never want to see my wife sad.  But it is a strange thing I feel when I see her cry over my mom.  I feel sadness at our mutual loss.  But I am filled with a strange kind of peace and happiness when I witness her sorrow.  The reason is that it gives me comfort to know that my mom was so loved and that she is still loved.

My mom loved my wife.  Tension between in-laws is common.  But my mom reminded me over and over again how blessed I was to have found my wife.  And when my mom would come and visit our home, my wife would greet her warmly and with a fresh cup of coffee that would always delight my mom.  Whenever my wife could come to the hospital, my mother would perk up.  That is because she knew she was in the presence of someone who loved her.  And we love her still.  Those of us who were with her through to the end still carry the battle scars in our hearts.  Those months were the worst of my life.  And I would not have wanted to be anywhere else. 

When I was a teenager, my grandmother had a stroke that left her mentally impaired.  She could not talk and did not seem to be aware of anyone around her.  Nevertheless,  my grandfather would see her as often as he could in the nursing home.  He would put on his best suit, comb his thinned, white hair as best he could and he would sit by her side for hours, even though she didn't know he was there.  He did that because when you love someone you don't care about anything else except being there for them.  That was the lesson he taught me.

Those of us who learned that lesson took all of the time we could and gave it to my mom for as long as we could.  Often she didn't know we were there.  Because we loved her and we wanted to be there for her.

As I said, when she passed the anger passed with her.  I think it was because I knew that she was free from all of the worry, the pain, and the anguish that she carried with her for so much of her life.  As sad as I am to be without her, I never want that pain to ever completely leave.  In some ways, I'm glad that, like my wife and others, my heart is still broken over her.  I think its because our hearts break in proportion to the love they held. 

But in that sadness there is that peace.  And it is because our faith tells us that she isn't dead.  Life on this earth isn't real life.  Real life hasn't begun yet.  This world is the universal womb from which our embryonic souls are tested and made worthy in the crucible of our earthly crosses.  And then one day what we perceive of as death is really a birth into eternal life, into real life.

So this year as the anniversary arrived I reminded myself of this truth:  on this day,  I celebrate two birthdays.

I love you, mom.

New Evangelizers Post: Reflections on Humanae Vitae Part V- Life in Christ

I have a new article up at NewEvangelizers.com.  

Pope Paul VI was just canonized a saint.

Our reflections on Humanae Vitae have been building to its ultimate purpose, the one to which Pope St. Paul VI has been directing us. Almost all of the ink spilled on this document has focused on its negative commands. In other words, Humanae Vitae is remembered primarily as the Church’s most important “no” statement to the question of contraception.

And to be sure that has been a strong focus of this series. To be a true Christian to often to stand in defiance to the world and to say “no.”

But as with any moral teaching, the “yes” has more spiritually fruitful consequences than the “no.”

It is essential that we avoid sin, but that is not the end in itself. As a child, if I refrain from hitting my little sister, that is good. But the end is not simply to not hurt my sibling. My parents raised me so that I would care about her to the point where hurting her would be unthinkable. Submitting the will to the Church’s teaching is good. But it is better to mold your character, and in this case your marriage, to where contracepting is unthinkable.

Saying “yes” to Humanae Vitae is saying yes to a holy marriage.

Now, to be sure, avoiding contraception is not sufficient by itself for a holy marriage. But it is essential. Why?

You can read the whole article here.

Sunday Best: Top Doctor Who Villains

A hero is only as good as his villain, or so the saying goes.

This week, will be the last in my current Doctor Who series of "Sunday Best."

In modern Doctor Who, we have a great mix of classic villains and ones that were invented just for the the new run.  So here are the top 6 villains from the show.

6.  Daleks

This is supposed to be the main adversarial race of the Time Lords.  And while there are some wonderful epic stories about them, the design and functionality of the Daleks always feels a bit out of place.  With the exception of "Asylum of the Daleks" I don't think that they have ever really lived up to their full potential.  However, they are a perennial villain in the series in a way that no other group is.

5.  The Master

He/She is the Blofeld to The Doctor's Bond.  The insane evil that runs through this character gives us a wonderful dark mirror as to what the Doctor could be if he gave in to his darker impulses.  The Doctor is on the side of the angels, but that line gets pretty thin.  The presence of the Mast reminds us that the Time Lords are dangerous beings and that the moral compass must be set right or disaster will occur.

4.  Cybermen

Like the Daleks, they are a classic set of adversaries.  But when used well, they can be terrifying as well.  In "The Doctor Falls," we see them as the soulless, unstoppable force that they are and feel their dark, agonizing presence as they encroach on all life.  They are the ultimate sign of scientific progress without the human heart.

3.  The Martian Water Parasites.

Few things on the show have been scarier to me than the water parasites in "The Waters of Mars" special.  Anyone who comes into contact with the water becomes a mindless, terrifying zombie.  The design on these zombies is downright chilling and the ever-present threat of contact with the contaminated water gave them a claustrophobic power.

2.  Vashni Narada

Doctor Who words best when it gives a foundation to some of our primal fears.  Why are we afraid of the dark?  Because there are creatures that lurk in the dark ready to devour us.  The Vashni Narada are so scary because you can see them, but they are hungry and they will feast on your flesh if they mark you.  Shadows are all around and they can get you when you least expect it.  Terrifying villains.

1.  Weeping Angels.

Some have said these villains have become less scary over the years.  And to some extent they are right.  But the downright horror they inspire in their premiere appearnce in "Blink" will never be overcome.  Devoid of any visible movement, they put all of the pressure on you to keep them at bay.  If they get you, it's your fault for not being strong enough to keep your eyes on them.  They will get you, it's only a matter of time and weakness.

Film Review: A Star is Born

Sexuality/Nudity Offensive
Violence Mature
Vulgarity Mature
Anti-Catholic Philosophy Offensive

A movie does not need to have a happy ending for me to like.  But at the very least, it shouldn't leave me with a sickening sense of waste when it is over.

And that is what happened when the credits rolled for A Star is Born.

This movie has been remade several times.  On this go around, it is in the capable directorial hands of Bradley Cooper who also stars along with Lady Gaga.  Cooper plays Jackson Maine, an alcoholic, pill-popping, country-rock star just about to go over the hill of obscurity.  One night while searching for alcohol he accidentally stumbles into a drag bar.  There, Gaga's Ally is sining "La Vie en Rose" and Jackson is immeadieatly smitten.  The two spend the night getting to know each other.  Eventually, he pulls her into his world to make her singing dreams come true as his life begins to spiral out of control.

I will have to say that I am not a fan of Lady Gaga.  But I must admit she does a capable job in the lead role.  You can believe her star quality as it begins to shine.  She does a fine job, but not that good.  In the end, she always feels like a singer who is speaking memorized lines.  She is the most believable when she is performing on stage, which makes sense.  Cooper is the one who steals the show.  He makes his self-destructive Jackson infuriating while at the same time incredibly charming and likeable.  His sweaty face makes you feel the internal damage his life of addiction is doing to him.  But his eyes still look out with hope, as if he is trapped in a cage of his own abuse.  Sam Elliot has a great turn as Jackson's older brother and manager.  He plays the contradicting emotions of love, disgust, jealousy, and admiration in a completely believable way while never losing an inch of his grizzled toughness.  Even Andrew Dice Clay does a fine turn as Ally's celebrity obsessed dad.

And Cooper's directorial debut is very solid.  He pulls you into the chaotic world of a rock star.  He knows when to use the steady cam to give an almost documentary style feel and he knows when to use more stylistic camera angeles and moves.  The best part of the movie is the moment that Jackson convinces Ally to perform on stage with him.  It is a cacophany of overwhelming sounds, lights, and emotions.  You get caught up in the exhiliration and you feel almost like you are the one standing on the stage with hundreds of screaming fans.

The music is also a highlight of the film.  The rock numbers are strong and Gaga's emotional ballads make it easy to believe that Jackson would fall for Ally on a number of levels.  There is a rawness to the music and the lyrics that feels like a purer kind of artistic expression than I was expecting from this remake. 

The movie drew me in and I was completely invested in the lives of these characters, flawed though they are.  But then right around the third act, the wheels came spinning off of the train.

This is one of those movies where it is difficult to explain its negative review without getting into spoiler territory.  I will do my best to be vauge, but be warned that the rest of the review may contain spoilers.

As Ally's star goes on the rise, Jackson's world begins to disintegrate.  He is in a Catch-22 regarding Ally.  He wants her to succeed, but slowly her artistic integrity begins to erode and her success pulls her away from him physically.  If he interferes with her success he hates himself for ruining her chance.  If he allows her to continue down this path, he will hate himself letting her be corrupted.  On top of this, his addiction makes his behavior increasingly mean and volitile.  This would all be even more dramatic and intriguing.  But the movie takes the idea that self-destructive behavior in the right context can be noble.

I could not help of comparing the movie to Nicholas Cage's Leaving Las Vegas.  In that movie, Cage destroyed his family, career, and his life because of his alcoholism.  He decides to drink himself to death in Las Vegas as a kind of self-imposed penance.  That movie has a very twisted understanding of redemption.  Yes, a price is paid, but the destruction is ultimately a selfish one.  The real penance would be to pick up his cross and set his life right.  The wages of sin is death.  The lesson is not to open your arms and embrace the death that comes from sin.  The lesson is to abandon sin and embrace life.  A Star is Born, has tries to recreate that same kind of dark redemption as Leaving Las Vegas.  At this point in the movie, I completely checked out.  Instead of drawing me in further, I ceased to care about anything.  The movie became a long day's journey into night and I felt a poor return on my emotional investment.  The movie ends with a final heart-felt ballad.  But I will be honest, I can't remember anything about that song because I cared so little.

In addition to this, the movie gets a little too raw when it doesn't need to do so.  There is a scene of quick full-frontal nudity that seems to be there only to exploit the film's R-rating.  There is plenty of drug and alcohol abuse on camera, but it is shown to be ugly and destructive, so it serves a decent purpose.

I think this movie and I don't have a visceral anger toward it.  I feel like a mom saying, "I'm not angry.  I'm disappointed."  Cooper was telling a story that was worth telling and then he let's his script cause him to fumble to ball hard on the one-yard line.  The problem with fumbling that hard is that it makes all of the great plays before that inconsequential.

image by Yasir72.multan

Sunday Best: Ranking the Doctors from Doctor Who (Modern)

The premiere of the new season of Doctor Who is tonight and we will find out what new things Jodie Whittaker will bring to the role.

So I thought it would be a good idea to look back on the modern Doctors from the show and rank them.

Most people agree that Classic Doctor Who includes the First Doctor through the Seventh Doctor.  Everyone also agrees that the Modern Doctor Who includes the War Doctor, the 9th Doctor, and the subsequent Doctors.

The 8th Doctor is the one that is more difficult to place.  He only has two appearances (not counting books, comics, and radio): the Fox TV movie and the online short film "Night of the Doctor."  Even though he only appears in these two areas, I've decide to add him to the Modern Doctor Who.

Here are the modern Doctor ranked from least to greatest.

6.  The 8th Doctor (Paul McGann)

image by TIm Drury

The 8th Doctor never quite got a chance to find his voice.  He found a strong following on his radio adventures, but we never got to really see all of his potential play out.

But in the "Night of the Doctor," Paul McGann gave us a full character performance in the space of a few minutes.  He is able to display the classic insane hubris of the Doctor.  When told he only has four minutes to live he says, "Four minutes? That's ages. What if I get bored or need a television, couple of books. Anyone for chess? Bring me knitting."

But in the end he is the one who tragically chooses to give up being the Doctor in order to be a warrior.  He is doing more than sacrificing his life; in a sense he is sacrificing his soul.  When told that his new regeneration will hurt, he responds, "Good."  He is a noble man who makes a terrible choice for the best of reasons.

5.  The 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston)

image by Emma Marie's Photos

I always found Christopher Eccleston's take on the Doctor a bit too alien.  His emotional repsonses were so far away from normal human reactions that he felt a little bit like Ford Prefect from The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.  

But Ecclestton opened the door to the modern take on Doctor Who.  And beneath that exterior, we could see the wounded soul underneath.  The plastered smile was a mask hiding his terrible pain and guilt and his recklessness was a distraction from the nightmare he left behind.  

4.  The War Doctor (John Hurt)

image by Sam Hughes

Though we really only got to know the War Doctor in "The Day of the Doctor," John Hurt used all of his skill to get us one of the best Doctor Who performances.  The War Doctor wears his age on him like battle scars.  Whereas other "older" doctors would always have a glint of mischief in their eyes, this Doctor is nothing but burden and sorrow.

He spends the entire episode wrestling with a genocidal choice that will make him both savior and Satan.  He is beaten down and with almost no hope to go on.  But watching that smallest of embers fan into a flame, it is exhilirating.

3.  The 11th Doctor (Matt Smith)

image by Gage Skidmore

This is the favorite Doctor of many modern fans.  He was the Doctor when the show really took off in popularity in America.  I am convinced that bowties made a comeback as an acceptable fashion accessory because of him.

Matt Smith filled this Doctor with all kinds of mischievous fun.  And he created a psedo family around himself with Amy, Rory, and River.  The 11th Doctor was the center of a cosmic storm that always seemed about to devolve into chaos until the man in the bowtie was able to turn the tide.  

The 11th Doctor was the magical, chaotic wizard of a fairy tale that totally throws ordinary life into dissaray and you couldn't be happier.

2.  The 12th Doctor (Peter Capaldi)

image by Gage Skidmore

I was not a fan of Peter Capaldi's Doctor for almost his entire first season.  But then in his second season, I was absolutely blown away.  The "older" Doctor wore the wounds he carried with him from his previous two incarnations.  Not as bubbly as the last version, he carried with him a prickly edge.  

But this was a Doctor with a lesson to learn.  Watching him grow from his first appearance all the way through to his final one was such a joy.  While most of the other Doctors grow a bit, this Doctor has a complete character arc where he learns that in the end, kindness is one of the only things that matters.  

Capaldi gave us some of the best Doctor Who performances I've ever seen.  His smoldering intestity was enough to burn a whole throught the TV.  He is so angry because he feels so deeply.  He speech about war in "The Zygon Inversion" was one of the most memorable of the entire series.  His perpetual resolve in "Heaven Sent" still gives me chills.  And I will never forget his final speech:

You wait a moment, Doctor. Let’s get it right. I’ve got a few things to say to you. Basic stuff first.  Never be cruel, never be cowardly. And never ever eat pears! Remember – hate is always foolish…and love, is always wise.  Always try, to be nice and never fail to be kind. Oh, and….and you mustn’t tell anyone your name. No-one would understand it anyway. Except….Except….children. Children can hear it. Sometimes – if their hearts are in the right place, and the stars are too. Children can hear your name.

But nobody else. Nobody else. Ever.

Laugh hard. Run fast. Be kind.

Doctor – I let you go.

1. The 10th Doctor (David Tennant)

I do not believe that anyone will be able to surpass David Tennant as the ultimate Doctor.  He felt modern and ancient.  He was silly and tragic.  He was heroic and terrifying.  He was hopeful and harsh.  

He was full of charm and intelligence and a strong beating heart of compassion.  You wanted to be friends with him, to impress him, to be him.  You dreaded him saying the words "I'm sorry.  I'm so very sorry," because he would mean it and those words would mean something horrible has happened to you.

Tennant gave such a rich performance that it is hard to put into words.  His Doctor was not an angel but was subject to vices like jealousy, arrogance, and wrath.  But he always put other before himself in a way that wasn't saintly nor that of someone with a narsistic martyr complex.  He put others first because it was the right thing to do, even when all he wanted to do was save himself.  He was a man who wanted to be indulgent and weak but his character was too strong to allow it.  The misery of his virtue was real, but that misery was more joyful that any earthly delight.  Watch the 10th Doctor's last 15 minutes on screen in his final episode and dare your heart not to break with his.

Thoughts?

Film Flash: A Star is Born

15 words or less film review (full review to follow soon)


Leaving Las Vegas: The Musical!  Could've been great, but fumbled hard on the 1-yard line.

image by Yasir72.multan

Film Review: Murder on the Orient Express

Sexuality/Nudity Acceptable
Violence Mature
Vulgarity Acceptable
Anti-Catholic Philosophy Mature

I love a good mystery.

And this is a good mystery.

I have to admit that I have never read the source material.  And that may have affected my enjoyment of the movie.  Part of the power of a mystery is having the audience play armchair detective as they attempt to figure out the clues before the hero.  If I had known the ending already, I don't think the movie would have had as much of an impact.

Murder on the Orient Express is an adaptation of the classic novel by Agatha Christie.  It's director and star Kenneth Branagh portrays Hercule Poirot the world's greatest detective.  While in Israel, he finds he must hurry back to Europe.  His friend Bouc, who owns the Orient Express (Tom Bateman) bumps into Poirot and offers him a last minute ride when one of the passengers does not show up.  While on the train a shady man named Edward Ratchett (Johnny Depp) knows of Poirot's reputation and tries to hire him.  Ratchett shows him evidence that someone is trying to kill him.  Poirot declines because of Ratchett's criminal reputation.  The next morning Ratchett is found stabbed to death and Poirot most go through a eclectic group of suspects:

-Edward Henry Masterman (Derek Jacobi): Ratchett's butler
-Caroline Hubbard (Michelle Pfiefer): a flighty widow.
-Hector McQueen (Josh Gad): Ratchett's personal secretary
-Antonio Foscanelli ( ): a well-to-do driver
-Mary Debenham (Daisy Ridley: a young governess
-Dr. Arbuthnot (Leslie Odom Jr.): a former military doctor
-Pilar Estravados (Penelope Cruz): the quiet religious missionary
-Count Rudolph (Sergei Polunin) and Countess Elena (Lucy Boynton): a mysteries couple
-Princess Dragomiroff (Judi Dench): a snobbish aristocrat
-Hildegarde Schmidt (Olivia Coleman): the attendant to the princess
-Gerhard Hardman (Willem Dafoe): a racist Austrian.

As you can see Branagh has to manage not only an incredibly large cast of suspects but let each of these very talented actors shine.  And he does so with excellence.

I have been a fan of Branagh since I first discovered him.  He is able to get great performances out of his actors, but he is also incredibly skilled with the camera.  The train compartments are very tight and tend towards claustrophobia.  But Branagh not only sets out the geography and boundaries of the train beautifully, but he constantly comes up with new and creative ways to film this small space.  This is no easy feat, but he turns the train cars into their own little world.  I found myself completely immersed in the mystery and the environment.  My eyes were glued to the screen as I tried to pick up every nuance and every hint.

The script by Michael Green does a good job of showing off Poirot's deductive prowess at the beginning of the film in a fun little mystery.  This is of critical importance as we proceed on with the story and watch Poirot untie the knots surrounding the murder of Ratchett.  Branagh is able to efficiently establish this large cast of characters and set them each into a unique space.

Branagh's performance works well as he begins to slowly peel the mysterious layers away to reveal the truths he finds, even if he doesn't like them.  Branagh plays Poirot as a man whose power is his burden.  He sees things even when he doesn't want to.  This has led him to the constant pursuit of the truth.  It is difficult to comment on the other performances without giving away some of the mystery.  Suffice to say that some people are not what they appear and the actors all do an admirable job showing us the many sides to their characters.

What begins as a murder mystery also becomes moral mystery.  As a detective, Poirot must only discover the cause and perpetrator of the crime.  But as a man, he must deal with the moral implication.  The movie builds to this Gordion Knot that threatens to break even Poirot's righteous mind.  The movie wants to be about larger issues like justice versus vengeance.  And it brings them up admirable in the context of solving the murder of an evil man.  Is it murder if the person killed deserves it?  The rational answer is obvious, but the movie really wants you to wrestle with that question.  Branagh, to his credit, pulls you as an audience member into the quandary and makes you feel for the other perspective.  The conclusion will be satisfying or unsatisfying based on your own world view.

I was actually disappointed when the movie was over and I wanted very much to see Poirot's next adventure.  If you love good murder mysteries with strong visual technique and excellent acting, see Murder on the Orient Express.

image by Yasir72.multan