25. The Hitman's Bodyguard (2017)
Wasted potential.
That is the main thought that went through my head as I watched this movie.
...
Nearly all of the jokes fall flat and they suffer from what I call "Paul Feig Syndrome" where the filmmakers take a joke and draw it out hoping that by doing so they will increase the humor. But this is a difficult comedic nut to crack and The Hitman's Bodyguard does not do it well.
The action scenes are fine but unremarkable. Again, every potential amazing thing is done with mediocre effect. This is especially true in the case of Gary Oldman. If you are going to employ the greatest living actor, give him something more to do. Even when he goes cartoonishly over-the-top he is at least entertaining. And pitting him against Jackson and Reynolds should be a fantastic arrangement, but nothing comes of it.
This is one of those movies that is neither lives up to its premise's potential nor is it aggressively bad enough to be enjoyed as trash. Instead it is a piece of forgettable cinema that leaves you as soon as you leave the theater.
24. The Lovely Bones (2010)
I had such a unique experience with this film. Being a big fan of Peter Jackson, when the credits rolled I said to my friends and my that I like it. And then on the way home, I began mentioning to my wife all of the little things I didn't like
-the movie was too long.
-nothing really happened.
-the ending didn't make any sense.
-the character choices were non-sensical.
-all of the characters were flat
By the time I got home I had talked myself into hating it. This is a movie with great potential, but it jettisons an actual plot in order to revel in directorial flourishes.
23. The Theory of Everything (2014)
I think the filmmakers of The Theory of Everything looked at Ron Howard's A Beautiful Mind and said to themselves: "How can we make a movie that can be marketed just like this one but be the exact opposite?"
When Stephen contracts ALS, Jane decides to marry him so that they can have some time together before he dies, an estimated 2 years at best. But instead Stephen lives and the two have 3 children all the while Jane does her best to take care of her children and ailing husband.
Again, this should seem very close to A Beautiful Mind plot-wise. And like the Jennifer Connelly character in that film, Jane gets frustrated and overwhelmed by these circumstances. She joins a choir and befriends the choir director Jonathan (Charlie Cox) who agrees to help out with Stephen around the house. However the two give in to temptation and sleep together just as Stephen goes into the hospital and has to have breathing tube put, which removes his ability to speak. Jane breaks it off with Jonathan and returns to Stephen.
They then hire a specialist named Elaine (Maxine Peake) who develops an attraction with Stephen. Eventually, Stephen decides to run off with Elaine and Jane goes back to Jonathan.
So the theme of the movie is: when things are difficult, love dies.
Look, I'm not someone who needs a happy ending to acknowledge a movie is good (though I freely admit that is my preference). But the movie is built on their love. You are invested in their struggles because of their love. And in the end, they throw it all away.
The filmmakers could have easily avoided this problem by focusing on other aspects of Stephen's life. Focus on his work, his struggles, his unique way of looking at the world… whatever. Just make the love story an ornament to your film, not it's foundation.
...
Avoid this movie. It's themes are noxious and it's soul is poison.
The Theory of Everything is a story of nothing.
22. The Last Airbender (2010)
This movie has been pilloried as a big budget disaster. And I would agree with that completely. As a non-fan of the anime upon which it is based, the film did nothing to draw me into this world. And from what I understand, the fans hated this movie too. The acting is terrible and the plot is incredibly difficult to follow. World building should not be done at the expense of an engaging story.
This movie is a slog to get through and a chore to watch.
21. The Campaign (2012)
Basically, this is where they let Will Ferrel and Zack Galifinakas make funny faces and speak in funny voices at the screen. And that is it. There is nothing here that resembles an actual movie. This feels like the director just handed over the film to the actors and let them go. The problem is that they aren't as funny as they think. A good director can get really funny performances from them, but sitting in the theater watching this film felt like watching paint dry.
20. The Hangover Part II (2011)
This movie has a special place on this list because I can remember the exact moment everything turned. I thought the first movie was very funny so I was looking forward to another romp. While the second outing wasn't as funny, it was about at the half-way point that I was horrified. The film makers pushed the envelope to the point of breaking. There comes a point where something outrageously funny becomes outrageously disgusting. When it is revealed what happened to Stu the night before, all the humor drained from me and I just counted down until the film was over.
19. The Hateful 8 (2015)
There are worse things than going into a movie with high expectations only to be disappointed.
You can go into a movie with high expectations, start having those expectations exceeded... and then the movie decides to crap all over you.
That was my experience with The Hateful Eight.
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As great as any first act is, it only is effective if there is a satisfying payoff in the rest of story. Stories usually set up plot points, or "story debts" if you will, that must be paid off by the end or you will feel cheated. And Tarantino eschews this completely. He thinks he is being horribly clever by playing with your expectations and then totally subverting them. Some film critics praise this as fresh storytelling. In the case of The Hateful Eight, I say that it is bad storytelling. If you are going to pull the rug out from under an audience, you must give them something new to hold on to. In Reservoir Dogs, when the twist occurs, Tarantino pulls you into a new and fascinating storyline. In The Hateful Eight he gives you nothing. By the time you get to this part of the story, the appeal of the characters has worn off and you are left with complete ugliness.
And that was when I realized that this was only the half-way point. The rest of the movie would be a long slog to its end, slouching towards the end credits with increasing awfulness.
When things derail, it gets ugly. Things begin to make less and less sense.
The story begins to meander and linger needlessly. My wife observed that Tarantino is in love with his own writing and thinks we should all bask in its glory...
I've mentioned before that I usually have no problem with violence. But I was left disturbed by the level of blood and carnage that Tarantino showed on screen. I don't often use the phrase "pornographic violence," but I think that it applies to this movie. He takes a sadistic glee in pushing his disgusting, bloody violence. Whereas Kill Bill had a cartoonish, over-the-top nature, Tarantino wants to revolt you with this movie and he thinks that he can get away with it because of the cache he has earned from critics. And even the dialogue takes an ugly turn. Right before things go off the rails, Jackson's Warren gives a monologue that is so revolting that it wonder what mind of malice could come up with it.
18. Kick Ass (2010)
I know some people who love this movie, but this was a repulsive experience. The over-the-top violence wasn't nearly as entertaining as it is in other films. The acting wasn't very good. But for me, it was the character of Hit-Girl that made me feel disgusted. To take a child and put such sexually charged dialogue in her words felt like an incredibly disgusting thing to do. One of the worst things going on in our society is the increasing sexualization of children. Making her a mature killer who uses sexually charged language felt like an attempt to push the envelope in that direction.
17. Terminator Genisys (2015)
The Terminator franchise, like that of Highlander, has endured a slow, agonizing death spiral. They have so twisted and mashed up their own continuity that it is unrecognizable. One of the great things about the original Terminator is that even though there were some plot holes, the ideas sounded so well-thought out that you overlooked them. But in Terminator Genisys, nothing makes a lick of sense. Not a single action from any of the characters moves close to something that could be considered rational thought. It lacks the raw terror of the first movie and it lacks all of the spectacle and innovation of T2. It feels too sanitized and soulless. The kicker for me was when Kyle and Sarah time travel to the present and get hit back a car on the highway. The car slams into their naked bodies, which sends them flying through the air and then they roll and skid on the hard asphalt at 35 MPH, and they sit up with barely a scratch. At that point I mentally threw up my hands and said, "I guess nothing is supposed to make sense. Okay." Not to mention that this movie has some of the worst performances of the year. The more I think about this terrible film, the more I mourn the missed opportunity to do something good, or at least not awful.
16. You Again (2010)
The movie is on this list because it felt utterly and completely pointless. I sat through this story about women rivals and could not think of a reason for this movie to exist. It brought no joy, no enjoyment. It aimed for mediocrity and it couldn't even achieve that. It would be more forgettable if it wasn't so terrible.
15. Lawless (2012)
There was a good story buried in here somewhere. The movie focuses on three bootlegging brothers. But instead of focusing on Tom Hardy's character, who is so tough that after he gets his throat slit he holds his own neck together long enough for help to eventually come, the movie focuses on Shia LeBeouf's character, who is winey, petulant, and annoying. The main character should have been the side character that gets killed in the first act. Unfortunately, the movie decided that it would focus on the least interesting aspects of this story. The ending is so completely stupid and pointless you would wonder why you bothered watching.
14. Battleship (2012)
Even if this wasn't a a terrible intellectual property to try and adapt, the movie awful. It is dumb and full of empty spectacle. I don't mind a good popcorn film, but the movie is such a joke that you can't even invest the mildest interest in it. All you can do is sit and wait for it to be over.
13. Boyhood (2014)
I caught this movie years after it had come out.
This was another case of critics heaping praise on a piece of excrement hoping that we wouldn't notice that it is terrible.
Boyhood got a lot of attention because the director spent 10 years with the actors telling the story. But he never bothered to stop and realize that this story wasn't worth telling.
The main character has nothing compelling about him. There as no deep insight into life or childhood that made the experiment worth it.
The parents are the absolute worst. Patricia Arquette won an Oscar and I'm not sure why. Her performance wasn't anything special and her character was so unpleasant that I couldn't understand why anyone would take a second look at her. The film doesn't end, it just stops. There is no story to resolve. It just quits on you.
Ten years of life wasted.
12. Life Itself (2018)
This movie is an awful mess.
Okay, I can see how someone who came up with this plot could see in it something profound, maybe even Dickensian in how all of our human lives are intertwined. But the execution of this narrative fails miserable and the reason is in the structure of the story.
Besides the structure, the dialogue needed a severe revision. Early in the Javier storyline, he and Saccione sit down and Saccione tells him the story of his life. This is a loooongg story that only serves to bore the audience. The movie keeps putting profound statements and monologues into its characters mouths, but they never quite ring true. They feel like mouthpieces for a philosophy major who is taking a crack and screenwriting.
11. Super (2010)
This movie was the reason I thought Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be terrible. This is a sick, twisted black comedy that deconstructs super heroes. So many people in the online geek community sang the praises of this film. But it is putrid. It is ugly in the way it is written and filmed. It looks raw in the way that a first-time terrible director tries too hard. The humor is so disdurbing that instead of laughing, you are sitting there in uncomfortable disgust. Rainn Wilson plays a superhero who is really just a psychopath. When someone cuts in front of him at the theater, he cracks his skull bloody with a wrench. I know you are supposed to laugh, but something told me that if I did, then it would prove there was something wrong in my mind. And there is something deeply wrong with this movie.
Stay tuned for the 10 worst films of the decade!
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