Who I'd Be

 A number of years ago, a friend of mine gave me the following thought experiment:

"What job, fictional or not, would you have if you could?"

For example, the friend who asked told me that if you could, he would be a Ghostbuster.  He would ride around the Ecto-1 and go from location to location trapping ghosts with his proton pack and his wits.  

This opens up a whole world of possibilities that sound amazing.  I immediately let my mind go to the fantastic and the first thought that came to my mind was: super hero.

Imagine having the powers beyond ordinary men: the power to fly, super-speed, invulnerability, telepath, telekinesis, or any other flight of fancy found in comic books, cartoons and movies.  This is something I spent a good deal of time imagining and acting out as a child.

However, the more I thought about it, the less desirable this seemed.  The power would be great.  But as Spider-Man taught us: with great power comes great responsibility.  Once I had the power, I would feel the constant moral obligation to do more.  And if I take the hero part seriously, I would have dive head-long into danger time and again.  I would have to keep a secret identity to protect the people I loved.  And in the end, the only way my story could end would be in death.  A real hero has to give everything.  We honor heroes because they give everything.  While I hope that I could rise to the occasion in a crisis, I do not have the temperament to throw myself into danger the way a cop, fireman, or soldier does.  I am not a fighter, at least not in that way.  And for a super hero, the fight never ends.

I next thought about being a Jedi.  Outside of superheroes, this was my main childhood fantasy.  But once again, we have the same level of responsibility as a superhero.  Not only that, but the Jedi lifestyle of celibacy would not work for me a a married man.  I knew I did not have a vocation to the priesthood when I realized I was going to marry my girlfriend.  I guess my designs on being a Jedi go with that.

I thought about positions of great power like President or King.  But the responsibilities of those positions would not sit well.  "Heavy is the head that wears the crown."  The constant presasures of rule and governance would overwhelm me.  I believe that power is given as a means of service to the people.  When someone is in charge of the well-being of the state, the consequences of wrong decisions are enormous.  I also have no real desire to be in charge.  The thirst for political power is not something that I have ever found appealing.

Thinking about things that I do find appealing, I thought about being a successful actor or director.  I love the performing arts.  When playing a part, there is a feeling exhilaration that is difficult to describe.  There is a syncronicity between intention and performance that sings inside the soul.  Directing also gives a similar feeling.  You are able to create an entire piece of art by arranging the sounds and images that call forth an emotional response.  In addition to this, I love stand-up comedy.  If I was funnier, it would be the biggest thrill to be up on stage and move an entire auditorium to howls of laughter.

But while I find such great artistic fulfillment in my own dabbling into these arts, I don't think I would have life fulfillment.  As a man, so much of how I define myself is by what I do.  Making art is a noble thing.  But if this was the vocation of my life, I think I would find something a little hollow at the center.  I would question if I am truly making a difference with my life.  While I pray that I would bring joy and insight, I think I would need more.  The same would be true if I was a critic of the arts.  It would be a lot of fun to be paid to be something like a movie reviewer.  But also here, I would need more.  I can see this play in the lives of so many famous performers who thrust themselves into larger "important" issues in order to use their name to do something they believe is more worthwhile than their job.

I then thought about being a successful writer.  I've spent over a decade on this blog, so I obviously am in love with my own words.  I think I have something worth saying.  To keep doing this for so long without getting any financial compensation means that there is something here.  If I could make a living by the power of my words, it would be very nice.  I've written, plays, musicals, screenplays, stories, and poems.  My shallow ego imagines my pen name, WL Grayson, up there with the likes of CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien.

But even here, there is something missing.  I think if I was able to do this, I would need something more.  I would need more of the human interaction besides the ones that authors make to their readers.  I would need to know that I was making a significant difference in the lives of people in a way that would change them for the better.

That's when I realized that who I'd be is what I am: a teacher.  And not just any teacher.  I'd want to be a high school theology teacher.  My own conversion came to me just after high school, so I know how important that time is to someone's spiritual life.  While I find incredible satisfaction with my artistic endeavors, but I find my job as a theology teacher fulfilling.  

I discussed this with a fellow teacher once.  We noted how teaching is unlike most professions.  There is something very special where you make your mark in the soul of a young person that shapes them in no other way.  If we do our jobs well, we can help that person become who God destined them to be.  And this is a work that will last forever.  CS Lewis said, "You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations - these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub and exploit - immortal horrors or everlasting splendors. "  No matter the great work done in this world, it will eventually go away.  But the person is eternal.  If we have a hand in shaping the person, we are creating permanent works of art.

Thinking too about being famous as a writer, performer, etc., I don't think this would be good for me.  I can barely deal with the temptations of daily life.  When we are elevated to celebrity, I can only imagine those vices would assail you constantly.  Someone once horribly said to Fr. Larry Richards, "You know, the devil always gets you celebrity priests."  I would venture to say that this was said out of jealousy and menace.  However, Fr. Larry had the humility to recognize some truth in that attack.  Especially if you are held up as a model of virtue, the devil knows how he can hurt the faith of others by dragging you down.  As a theology teacher, I have to do my best to live in a Christ-like way, but even in my small life, I fail often.  But when in the public spotlight, I think my faults would be even more pronounced.

Ironically, in my job as a teacher, I have been able to make movies, write and direct stage productions.  And every class is another performance for a small audience.  Each class is a show where I am able to use any storytelling skills God has given me to give Him glory.

Having reflected on this question, I can say, truly that I am blessed.  Undeservedly so, God has called me to my dream job.  That isn't to say that I am without complaints, but I would guarantee that most of them of small and petty.  It is a privilege to do what I do, and I can only pray to do it well.

And yet...

There is one more thing that has been on my heart for many years.  

For a long time now, I have prayed about a vocation to the Diaconate.  I felt this calling even before I really understood what a Deacon is.  Through a great deal of prayer, study, and guidance, I have come to learn that the Deacon is meant to be Christ the Servant in the world.  He is supposed to witness not only at the altar of God, but especially in the everyday world.  It is a life of quite service and it is a life that I deeply desire.

By God's grace I have been accepted into the Aspirancy Program for the Diaconate.  This means that starting tomorrow, I will be entering academic and spiritual formation moving towards ordination in five years.  If it is God's will and if the Church discerns me, then I will receive the sacrament of Holy Orders.  I will be a teacher and one who is anointed of the Lord.

I do not know if this path will end with ordination.  I do know that I by walking this path of discernment I am closer to God now than I have been in years, regardless of how this journey ends.

I humbly ask for your prayers, dear reader.  These next five years I am sure that I will learn a great deal about myself and the Lord, and I'm sure I will be tested along the way.  

As I said, I do not know if this is ultimately God's will.  But I am going to explore this vocation for as long as He guides me.  Because in the end, all I want to be is who He wants me to be.

And that's who I'd be.